From insecurity to inspiration

I feel like I have always been kind of an insecure person…who doesn’t have insecurities? That’s a rhetorical question…obviously (we all know the answer is “everyone”). Since having my daughter, however, I have been less comfortable– less accepting, if you will, with normalizing being insecure.

I’ve been a counselor/therapist for almost 9 years and I know for a fact that insecurity is a learned behavior. Somewhere in life (usually in childhood), we get a message (overtly and covertly) that we are not good enough. We then internalize that message and allow it to manifest in various different ways in our every day lives. You know what I mean by manifest, right? Maybe not. Allow me to paint you a picture…

am i good enough

I remember the first time I ever felt physically uncomfortable in my own skin. I was 18 and was moving back home for the summer after my Freshman year of college. I am originally from North Jersey (joisey!) and went to college in Philadelphia– home of the cheesesteak. As is often the case, campus food was kinda gross…I mean, we called the Blue and Gold cafeteria the Barf and Gag sooooo yeah. Aaaaanyway, on a regular (Read: almost daily) basis, I would walk to Kirk’s up the street, buy a giant cheesesteak, and eat it for several meals. Naturally, I gained some weight but I am not sure I noticed or even cared very much. That is, until my mother saw me and commented “Whoa! You took the Freshman 15 a little too seriously!” I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out…

And so began a long battle of self-loathing…

Did you know that trying to beat yourself into submission gets you ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE? It only took me 12+ years to figure that one out. The physical insecurity manifested into all sorts of insecurities and a constant flood of “you’re not good enough” messages that I lovingly (you get the sarcasm, right?) sent myself.

Fast forward to December 15, 2016…the day The Lotus came into the world. Having babies can be equated to someone knocking the rose colored glasses off of your face and then stomping on them several times, grinding them into the pavement. Suddenly, living with my insecurities was no longer acceptable because they would not just be MY insecurities– I would (and maybe will) inevitably pass them on to her…and that just didn’t seem fair.

DSC_7195

Seriously??? Look at that gorgeous baby!!! There was no way I was going to knowingly continue to hate myself while trying to love her. That just makes no sense.

This seems like an unnecessarily long introduction to my blog but stay with me people, we’re getting somewhere. 

SO over the past 7 and a half months I have been really working on the insecurities– calling them out and facing them head on. Some of these steps have been small and some much larger– although what is considered big and what is considered small is totally subjective. Men would probably not be super impressed by the fact that, about a month ago, I stopped wearing a girdle every day since my daughter was born. Women, on the other hand will probably start to high-five me as I pass them in the street…especially if they’ve had children! This blog falls into the big category…

I’ve always said I wasn’t interesting enough to start a blog…what would I write about? Sure, people think I’m funny, but that’s just my personality and how do I make that come across in writing? What if no one reads my posts? What if I don’t follow through? What if someone reads this and is offended? What if no one actually wants to hang out with me? Who am I to think I’m so great that anyone even wants to spend time with me? What if I go to hang out with someone and we have NOTHING to talk about? What if? What if? What if?

^ You see how that stream of negativity can get out of hand? I digress…

Part of the reason that insecurities exist are because we become hyperfocused on ourselves. I look at someone else’s pictures on social media and automatically compare my own life to theirs. My selfishness, essentially, has fed my insecurities and those things have taken over my life leading to fear, self-hate, and complacency. Hence the idea that spawned this blog! My F.O.M.O. (another condition I suffer from) is not entirely unwarranted…I AM MISSING OUT! I’m spending far too much time consumed by my own crap and I’m missing out on all of the fun things I could be doing with my time like fully enjoying my daughter and husband, trying new things, advancing in my career, and just living life in general!

Soooo welcome to my blog! Come hang out with me. Let me come hang out with you. Be creative! Invite me to help you paint, cook a meal, help you go shopping! Lets take a class together, go for a walk, grab a cup of coffee. I’ll make time and make sure our time together is OUR TIME TOGETHER. The goal is to connect in a real way…beyond the screen!

4 thoughts on “From insecurity to inspiration

  1. I absolutely love it! We are our worst critics. Becoming a parent/mother definitely made me open my eyes I had to deprogram myself for the sake of my children especially my daughter. I’m a work in progress and I’m not truly sure if I’ll ever see myself the way others do, I’ll always beat myself up about not doing this or that. I think that’s just part of the human experience. I’m happy you are sharing and I look forward to taking this journey with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is absolutely awesome! My whole life I’ve been my biggest critic. Especially with my body. When I was too skinny I wasn’t happy and after kids (in the beginning) it was even worse. I ended up learning not to care what others thought and try to be happy with myself as I was or actually do something about it. So I did! I lost a ton of weight and for the most part maintained it. I was now content. However, when the time of year to binge eat comes around and I know the extra weight is coming I’m harder on myself. Perfect example, this morning I looked in the mirror and said out loud everything I wish wasn’t there. And then, I read this which served as a reminder that I need to be happy however I am and be thankful. I know acceptance of oneself comes with time and now I’m ok with that but I still have much to learn. Thanks for this! Looking forward to more…xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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